In 2017, Nutrition Business Journal estimated that gummies made up 65% of the entire market. This portrait of a regular day in the life of a woman who will do (taste) many things to justify sugar intake prompts my asking three key questions, the first of which being: when the hell did we replace regular vitamins with gummy bears? While the direct-to-consumer market continues to explode in the supplement space (see: Needed, Ritual, Goop et al) a sneaky genus of healthy addendum has effectively taken over. Not to worry, though! The emergency container of sleep gummies in my bathroom has never not worked when I’ve needed it, so you can make today’s total gummy count 14. By the time this has all happened, I will realize that the day has gone, I’ve had 12 gummies, my sugar levels have spiked and now I’m too wired to fall asleep. Later, I’m going to get a coffee, realize I did not need the afternoon caffeine, have a terrible time focusing and thus I’ll want to help myself to, like, a twin set of Lord Jones mango-flavored CBD gummies. I’m going to eat lunch soon, then want something sweet, probably because I’m coming down with a cold–so instead of a chocolate cube, I’ll have three Airbornes. They taste like sour sticks, so it is basically Christmas in my mouth every time I’m graced with the privilege of chewing. (I’ve got clarity, I’ve got e-n-e-r-g-y and let me tell you, I feel strong.) The 8Green gummies, which are packed with “the equivalent of 15 cups of broccoli” and also contain spinach, kale, wheatgrass, blue green algae, spirulina, chlorella, and aloe vera, promise to satisfy my greens-consumption quota for the day. The Smarty Pants gummies have either tricked me into thinking I am now adequately protected against whatever it is a woman’s multivitamin is supposed to protect me from or they have actually done it. It’s 11:13 am and I have consumed 5 Smarty Pants gummy vitamins and two from the brand 8Green.
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